I think about how it might have been
We’d spend our days travelin’
It’s not that I don’t understand you
It’s not that I don’t want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I’ve got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I’m up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there

I’ll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I’ll track you on the radios, and
I’ll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It’s not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you’re looking for
The way I might’ve changed my mind,
But you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I know the reason why

Monday
Did not hear from Tommy

Tuesday
We are together at an Irish pub with a group of our theatre friends. He is openly “with” me, kissing in public. We both get a little drunk (he more than I) and after much coaxing, I sleep with him. I leave the next morning happy, somehow.

Wednesday
Sleep with Tommy again. Leave unhappy, for I can sense something is wrong with him.

Thursday
Due to the stupid decision to have unprotected sex I take Plan B pill as an emergency contraception and immediately buy condoms and birth control pills while at pharmacy picking up Plan B. Make doctor appointment for 2 weeks, for pregnancy test, at urging of doctor.

Friday
While on the phone for a quick show-related call Tommy has what can only be described as a relationship panic attack and seemingly dumps me. I cut him off on the phone and tell him I am at work and we must have this conversation later. He promises to call and does not.

Saturday
Tommy calls me while I’m shooting video for the Easter show, I miss the call. When I return his call his call he is no longer able to talk as he is now working on set construction. He does sound better, and clearly hasn’t dumped me. He tells me we will talk later at the cast reunion party that night. When he arrives at said party he is not openly “with” me, does not kiss me hello or goodbye and behaves platonically. He reassures me he is only tired, kisses my forehead and goes home without me. He promises he never intended to mean goodbye on the phone the day before, and we will talk it out tomorrow. After he leaves the party I weep in the bathroom, feeling ashamed and foolish.

Sunday
I never hear from Tommy. I send him an upbeat text, hoping for a reply call or text to talk, but all I get is a good night text.

“Often it’s the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them” -Unknown
(thank you lovebot)

I sit here now asking myself how I could possibly allow any of this to happen. Total disbelief. The strength of my convictions before meeting Tommy was amazing. How has this completely undeserving man broken me down to this point?

In church this morning I teared up when the Pastor preached about the right kind of relationship, the right kind of love. He called couples down to the front and prayed for them. “I Will Be Here” was being sung at this point in the service and it brought me to tears, the realization that I am worth so much more than what I accept from this man. I have no idea where to go from here. I am becoming increasingly numb and frozen. Am I in shock? 

You should not be sorry nor be cynical about love, rather it should make you wonder that, “If you’re happy with the wrong one, how much more if the right one comes along..”
(thank you funkylove)

He did tell me that his not calling or spending time with me is not personal and he reaffirmed that he likes me, I shouldn’t worry… He likes spending time with me but it seems our ability to do so before was a luxury. Until he gets the new show up on its feet (there has been serious drama, re-casting a lead role this far into rehearsals) I won’t see him much. I tried to convey how important it is for him to at least keep in touch then, he seemed to understand but I can tell it can’t be a priority for him. It hurt when he said he isn’t able to be in a relationship right now, but I understood it.

He means to try his best, and all along I haven’t trusted him. I just feel that I am being short changed in this situation. But I am moving on, I am more calm about the “us” there is. I’m open minded to what he wants but with a better understanding and a lower expectation. I have my own life to return to since our show closed a week ago, and I’m trying to get to it. I thought I would be taking him with me into my post-show life, at least in some capacity, but it’s just not what he can do. 

I deserve so much more and I will move on fully with someone else, should such an opportunity present itself. But for right now I keep wishing for another chance to be the soft skin he wants to touch and accept his sweet kisses. 

The more I write the more pathetic this all seems. I’m realizing through this new writing outlet that everything I have been feeling in this last few weeks (starting things with Tommy, the happiness, the early dramas that put up a wall between us, the attempts to reconcile, the show ending with our relationship on shaky ground) had felt so incredibly amplified. I’ve not dealt with this vulnerability and uncertainty in a very long time. If I had it to do over again I would have endeavoured to handle the whole situation (especially this last week of being an emotional wreck) with more grace and carefree attitude. But now here we are.

“It’s not up to me anymore. If you want me in your life, you’ll find a way to put me there.”

“When I get a second of your time, I feel myself losing myself in the quick moment we have together, but you’re never around long enough for me to get used to this amazing feeling. Despite this, I refuse to stop myself from falling for you just a little every single time.

I should stop myself, but the pain is worth being near you even though you’ll always disappear as fast as you returned.”

“I’m finished fighting for you now. I deserve to be fought for.”

(thank you to letterboxlove)

“My love, are you alive?”

The reply, over an hour later was “Yes, sorry love. Been consumed with the show. Taking the last set down right now. I will try to find some time soon when we can hang out if you want. How are you doin? How was the audition?”

I was ready to burst into tears upon receiving Tommy’s reply. Why was he treating me like a buddy? Why say he would “try to find some time” to hang out if I want? What else would I want? But I was at work on the phone with a customer and had to focus. I never did have my cry. Hopefully later. I feel like maybe it would help me to cry it out. I never really tried this crying coping before, so I don’t know if I even can. I will make the attempt and see how it goes. Anyway, I waited a while and finally decided to reply in an upbeat manner. My motive being to finagle my way over there to see Tommy face to face and talk through things. Until I get there, I don’t want to freak him out like there’s something high drama about to go down, because it isn’t true. So my replay was, “The audition was great, I’m doing well. Of course I’d want to see you, silly! Why don’t you call me today, ok? So much to say, too much for a text! ” and then I followed it with “P.S. I totally know you’re busy so if I can’t *see* you today I know how thst goes, but please *call* me regardless… Ok love? “

Assuming he calls, I hope to be able to work my way over to his place and reconnect and talk a bit. I want to tell Tommy we were happiest when we were working together on the last show and I want to be around more helping with the new show. I want to tell him I’m a grown up and he doesn’t have to worry about my expecting him to all of a sudden jump into a serious relationship, because let’s face it I don’t think either one of us wants to get serious with anyone right now. I just need to know what we’re doing here and I can relax in knowing what’s going on and what I can and can’t expect. I think that’s totally fair and low key……. right?

And it’s taking every bit of my self-control to restrain myself from texting or emailing or calling Tommy to say “My love, are you okay?”. Of course, last night I was not so concerned with his well being. Last night I wanted to slap him right across his face. Situations like this tend to evoke decidedly un-princesslike behavior. I drank last night, two mixed drinks, a glass of wine and a shot of tequila. Secret smoking continues. I flirted with the actor I’ve had my eye on for a couple years, the one that’s been in a relationship the whole time (we’ll call him Jack). He flirted back, but we both did so innocuously. Although I must say, when I brought up a “hypothetical” discussion on dating within the theatre community Jack asked me several times if something had happened recently, and there was definitely something behind those caring, questioning eyes. Jack had been aware of my rule on avoiding relationships within the theatre community, so to hear me bring up the question of whether or not my rule was realistic anymore apparently prompted his curiosity on whom I may have been/may be dating and whether the rule was soon to be put aside for good.

I came into work this morning and the only person I can really talk to at all about Tommy is a co-worker here. I wanted to hear what she had to say on the matter, which was apparently lengthy, but the more we talked the more ill I felt. I woke up feeling very ill, too. The princess doesn’t emote openly as a normal person would. Especially not since the tragic events of the last couple years. So instead, my emotional pain manifests itself physically. I’m cold, nausea comes in strong waves when I think too much about Tommy, and I generally feel terrible. But if I walk away and relax and try to distract myself I seem to settle down.

Assuming I make it through the day without dying of a disappointed, broken heart I plan to crawl into a hole and disappear once I get home tonight. A bath, a movie and bed. At the forefront of my inner monologue about all of this is “Am I being high maintenance about this? Maybe he really just needs some space and time to compose himself and restore his energy. Or is he really mistreating me?”. I’ll keep my chin up today. Put on a brave face. If Tommy should all of a sudden come through and call… I’m uncertain as to how I would (or should, for that matter) handle it. “Hi, how are you, I miss you like crazy?” or perhaps “Hey are you ok? What on earth happened?” or…. yes, here “Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have a catch like me? Why are you wasting your opportunity to be with someone as special as me? Do you understand you have me completely insecure and ill over you, you jerk?”

(via lovebot)

Those moments. drifting off to sleep in your arms. Your hand fumbling to just lay on my back or stomach, or any exposed spot of soft skin. You turning up my chin for a sweet kiss.

Please God don’t let those moments be over.

*Sigh*

I grow more impatient as each text message and phone call reaches my phone and isn’t from you. Please come through for me. Please be the man that I need. I can’t reach out to you anymore, I deserve your attention. It is not for me to seek you out anymore. It’s up to you. I hate that you have this power over me… I hate that I am not in control.

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow
Amy Winehouse version

“Tonight you’re mine completely…
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes,
But will you love me tomorrow?

Is this a lasting treasure,
Or just a moment’s pleasure?
Can I believe the magic of your sighs?
Will you still love me tomorrow?

Tonight with words unspoken
You say that I’m the only one
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning sun?

I’d like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now, and I won’t ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?”

 

Are You Lonesome Tonight?
Elvis Presley

(spoken)
“I wonder if you’re lonesome tonight
You know someone said that the world’s a stage
And each must play a part
Fate had me playing in love you as my sweet heart
Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance
You read your line so cleverly and never missed a cue

Then came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange
And why I’ll never know
Honey, you lied when you said you loved me
And I had no cause to doubt you
But I’d rather go on hearing your lies
Than go on living without you

Now the stage is bare and I’m standing there
With emptiness all around
And if you won’t come back to me
Then they can bring the curtain down

Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight”

— LJB. 

(via lovebot)

Remember this terse little verse:

To let a fool kiss you is stupid,

To let a kiss fool you is worse.”

— E. Y. Harburg